For those of you who watch the L word and would like to improve upon its weirdness, check this out:
http://www.thefutoncritic.com/cgi/pr.cgi?id=20060201showtime01
They are having fans vote on where to take the show next, what sort of scenes they should write, and so on.
Heck yeah I joined, that show is addictive, but oftentimes the storylines are *CRACKED*. Anything to add my thoughts about the show, I’m all for it.
Saturday I woke up and did some homework. Élan got up to go skiing, but I was sore from Yoga, and I had a lot of homework to do (and I was having my period), so she went with Molly. Was reading for a little, then I had a chocolate craving (goes right along with it being that time of the month when every girl craves chocolate to no end). Of course, we have stashes of chocolate around our house for this, so I went looking. I found some dark chocolate and some little shavings of chocolate that equaled about half of a "normal" chocolate. I remember Élan saying something about ’shrooms supposedly being in this chocolate, but it didn’t work for her, and there was about 1/5 of a chocolate "dose" in the bag. I thought, whatever, it’s chocolate…and ate it. I snacked on some salty peanuts, did another couple of Digital Logic problems, then took a bubble bath.
I get out of the bath, and as I’m putting on lotion, notice as I’m rubbing lotion on, my skin is changing color. I start freaking, and poking at my skin. I keep rubbing more lotion on, and my skin is just looking weird. I feel a little sick to my stomach at this, and lay back and close my eyes for a bit to rest.
I start seeing bizarre patterns forming behind my eyelids. That’s when it struck me: I’m tripping on ’shrooms. They might not of worked for Élan, but they SURE the hell are working for me.
For those of you who know me, I *RARELY* do drugs. There are FEW drugs I like the effects of. However, psilocybin-containing mushrooms are my one exception. So, this really wasn’t a problem for me, as I have tripped before a few times and liked it. It was sort of an inconvenience, since I had homework and stuff to do, but whatever. Since I was already freaked out a little, I had to calm myself immediately (it’s VERY dangerous to trip with a strong feeling of fear, you could accidentally harm yourself while hallucinating), so I got dressed, called Élan to let her know I was tripping, and went into the living room. I always need music to calm me, so I put on some Björk.
Already I was hallucinating pretty hard core, so it was somewhat of a challenge to operate the CD player. Got it all figured out, and sat staring at the carpet for about half an hour listening to music. This may sound extremely dull, but it was pretty interesting, especially when your carpet suddenly has the properties of water. I sat making ripples in the carpet. Also, there were patterns in the carpet dancing to the music. All the colors were so *BRIGHT* in my house. Even white had shades of pink and green to them (hence why my skin appeared to look like it was changing all sorts of weird colors earlier). I was a little chilly, and laid on my couch (which was now in some sort of cave) with a blanket on. I stared at the ceiling to see what I could see, and saw all sorts of rainbow-colored dragonflies and cool bugs flying. Watched that for a while, then looked out the window for a bit. My cats were doing it, and I wanted to see what was so facinating. I kept "feeling energy." It was weird. It was a cool feeling. My cat Hector kept freaking me out, while Mr. Ick was giving off "good energy", so I didn’t mind having him around.
You know, if the cats see out the window what *I* saw when I was tripping, it’s no wonder they stare out there for hours. I figured all sorts of meanings to life out there. It was nice:)
This went on for some time. Eventually Élan came home. We talked for a bit, her skiing experience was no good, she got altitude sickness and almost passed out. For those of you who have never had altitude sickness, you feel a little out of breath, and you start to see the lights around you flashing (sign you’re going to pass out). Then, usually, you pass out. Élan has only passed out once before in her life, so she was unaware this is what was happening with the flashing lights. She closed her eyes and could feel herself rocking back and fourth, and heard Molly say, "Hey! Élan! Are you ok?" Which brought her to awareness, yet she could only see everything in black and white. She tells Molly she doesn’t think so, and she felt like she was going to pass out. Friday night we were drinking wine at Dru’s house and visiting with Amy before she leaves this Thursday for six weeks in Africa. Apparently this is a bad thing to do if you are going to go skiing at high altitudes the next day.
They had only been skiing for 20 minutes. Poor Élan. So they came back home. Élan said she heard my message and laughed and told Molly.
She then told me how I seemed alright, I just had an odd gleam in my eyes. I told her I was still tripping, but not as terribly as earlier in the day. I tried to stay in reality the rest of the time. I got up and got a shower (and saw more interesting things), and Élan and I went to Belgium Night at the University Housing Center because Eliana was in a skit on surrealism. It was pretty cool, especially when you are still tripping off ’shrooms a little 
So, I guess the moral of this story is: Beware if something contains drugs. Even if it has been said those drugs do not work. Even if you are craving chocolate like nothing else, just know in that chocolate is drugs that someone has claimed does not work. Actually, chocolate contains caffeine which is a narcotic… So all chocolate contains drugs.
Chocolate really *IS* sinful. So why is it so tasty?
Anyway, just had to share my adventures for anyone who reads my stuff.
Ever since I completely stopped having Christmas Holiday in Kane, I’ve really been enjoying Christmas. This year Elan and I went down to Joel’s in Denver for the night of the 23rd. We spent the night, then drove to Greeley to pick up Mia and Sam (and Sam’s cat, Toulouse!), then drove back here to Fort Collins. We had drinks and snacks (Elan made burritos too), and played games and were silly. We all exchanged gifts as well. There was a lot of cool music played. Toulouse was hissed at by my 3 cats at first, then Mr. Ick started trying to make out with him. Eventually my cats were fine with Toulouse, with Sevvie and Hector the only two giving stress now and then.
Christmas Day we woke up and I made everyone breakfast (bananna muffins, coffee, Mimosas, granola bars, bagels, and a fruit salad). Joel, Sam, and Elan went on a Christmas Day hike up the foothills a few minutes from our house to where we sat to watch fireworks for 4th of July, out over Fort Collins, Greeley, and Loveland. When they got back, Jamie came over to visit and spread holiday cheer (and brought a bottle of wine!). Jamie cracks me up, she’s so funny. Jamie discovered Sam was Native American as well, and they discussed that for a bit. I got out some snacks, and we all sat around drinking wine and chatting. Jamie and I talked about Thanksgiving at Amy’s, and how it was fun, but had a lot of drama going on as well. Then Jamie left and Molly and Aida showed up to celebrate with us. Elan made the turkey, some greens, corn, gravy, and sweet potatoes. I made garlic mashed potatoes and stuffing. Aida brought over Flan and some coconut flan-like stuff, and a salad. Molly brought over Squash soup. Joel made some tempeh.
There was a LOT of frickin’ food. A LOT.
After dinner, we played Yahtzee, the Mexican Train Game (which is seemingly the best game ever with a bunch of 20-somethings drinking and being silly, and Joel bringing what he always brings and sharing that), and UNO. Aida and Molly left, and we watched some Freaks and Geeks, and some Simpsons.
Yesterday (the 26th) I took Sam (and Toulouse), Mia, and Joel back to Greeley and Denver.
I had a REALLY FUN Christmas. I was supposed to go over to Amy’s yesterday and play Dance Dance Revolution, but I didn’t because I was driving everyone home, and hanging out there for a bit and didn’t get home until 9:00pm last night! Today, I hope to do that, though.
*sigh* So nice.
TGIF. Except I have to study all weekend.
http://www.kanerepublican.com/articles/2005/09/12/local_news/news01.txt
My brother was clinically dead last Friday, almost 1 week exactly from when I am writing this. They brought him back, broken neck and back to boot.
He’s lucky he didn’t stay dead. He’s lucky he can move his arms and legs. He can stand. They did surgery on his back…and he should be fine, despite scars galore, and two rods shoved in his spine, and pins in his neck.
He was on a respirator until Tuesday, and Wednesday morning I was allowed to call him and talk to him for the first time. I couldn’t fly back to see him because I have a midterm coming up this Tuesday, I had a speech to say this past Wednesday, and I had a JAVA program and a large Physics II homework due Thursday (yesterday). So I couldn’t do it if I wanted to stay in school.
Wednesday morning I talked to him. Remember Wednesday I had a speech due? Later on I would be standing up in front of a class giving my long-awaited speech on my friend Amy. Wednesday morning, my brother asked where "we" were.
He thought I was home, with my parents, and coming up to visit him. I had to explain to him I was in Colorado, and because I was in school, I had to stay in Colorado, that I’ve been here the whole time.
I cried after I got off the phone with him. It was so sad. Then I went and was upset throughout all my classes, and I said my speech. I practically read it, and didn’t do as well as I thought I would…but I did ok.
***And thank goodness (I’m in the computer lab on campus writing this) that the boyfriend of the girl beside me just left. They were like making out the whole time I wrote this epic. I was ready to ream them out if they didn’t stop. Next time I’m in public with Elan, I’m going to find this couple, and get all over Elan right beside them sometime to get back at them, I swear.***
Anyway, after I get home from saying my speech, my mom says how Josh asked why I wasn’t there with her, was I still in Kane? SHE then had to explain to him I’m in Colorado, and I couldn’t make it out.
I couldn’t call him yesterday. I tried this morning, and no answer. This whole situation sucks, and it sucks I can’t be there.
It’s been said it’s easier in this society to be straight rather than gay. Joel and I had this conversation, and I gave him my view on it all.
I say sure, perhaps for some people. However, it doesn’t apply to all. Straight people have that pressure to get married. To HURRY and get married, to then have kids. It’s *expected*, it’s "common."
I never had that desire to hurry up and get married, nor the desire to have children. Some of my friends got married…MOST of them are divorced now, or going through a divorce. Divorce sucks, and is very messy for those not aware.
Or those who I graduated with back in my hometown who got married, if they’re not divorced, then they have children (whether married or not) and say how they feel "stuck." Some even bought their parent’s houses, or live near their parents. Or would feel guilty if they got a divorce now because they’re so "set in their life."
That’s why I’m not married.
That’s why I moved far, far away from that area. All the way to Colorado.
That’s why I decided, I don’t care that I’m 27, I’m going to go camping this weekend with a ton of friends, end up topless around a campfire Friday, and then the next day do some shrooms, then Sunday have an outdoor breakfast of bagels, fruit and Mimosas (Champagne and Orange Juice.)
That’s why I still have fun. Because I don’t want a sucky life. I don’t want to be "stuck," or feel like I can’t have fun, or that all my friends are too busy or whatever. I like hanging out with a group of 18 people drinking around a campfire, playing guitar and bongo drums and singing in a field of wildflowers at an altitude of 11,200 feet, only miles from Vail, World-Famous Ski Resort.
Hell yeah. So that was my most recent adventure.
I’m going camping again this coming weekend. I don’t think it will be like this past weekend, but it’s sure to be fun times.
I was asked by my Madame DeFarge group what my dream wedding is (they’re trying to plan mine for me, since I haven’t even started planning.)
I realized I never had a dream wedding. I never really thought about being married.
So now I’m debating. I’ve been proposed to and accepted, have an engagement ring, and as of tomorrow, I will have been engaged for THREE years.
Will I ever get married? What’s the hurry anyway?
I know I’ve found my soulmate, that’s all that I need, right?
I just had to type out an envelope to a John August in Los Angeles, CA. His mom lives in Boulder, and we’re meeting with her about her trust set up with us, and we’re doing some correspondence with the son. Wondering if he was in film (as everyone in LA seems to be), I looked him up.
Well, he *is* into film. He wrote the screenplay for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, in theatres RIGHT NOW.
Huh.
Wonder what his mom is like.
Oh…I haven’t posted in awhile on here!
Too many trips have been going on to keep up, I suppose.
Well, and other things. Like a graduation party and birthday party the weekend after I last blogged here.
Let’s see…I’ve had a second trip to New Mexico (the first being in Amy’s van and going to hot dance clubs) This second one we passed through Santa Fe and Albuquerque, and onto White Sands and into Texas and Mexico. That was one awesome trip.
The next weekend was a hot Salsa Party. That was an experience.
The weekend after, Elan and I decided it was time for us to buy a kayak. We’ve went out on it a few times now, and we get better and better. We’ve already broken one paddle 
I also went to Telluride, Colorado for a bluegrass festival. It was amazing, but it was also a reminder to me of how shallow some people really are.
My brother entered rehab, and got out of rehab one month later. I wrote to him every day that he was in rehab, and I’ve written to him at least every other day since he’s gotten out. He’s called a couple times and written twice, as well. That’s saying a lot for him.
Fourth of July we watched the fireworks for Fort Collins from the top of the reservoir. We could also see the fireworks for Greeley and Loveland from up there. It was awesome.
Elan had a conference in Tilton, NH to go to for some Biochemistry stuff (Gordon Conference, for any Science freaks) on July 10th, and we decided to make an adventure out of it. Her stuff was paid for (plane ticket, lodging and food for the conference), so I decided to join her in New England later, on July 14th, and we could tour around.
We were checking out as much as we possibly could from July 14th through July 19th. We got back July 20th around 2:00am
Whirlwind tour of New England, then popping up to Canada into Montreal.
It
was
amazing.
Some thoughts:
Maine is ok. You can definately tell the whole economy is tourism, though, which is always a yuck with me. I felt it was a little on the creepy side. We met some girl who was pumping us for information about "the west." She is planning on moving to California, because she is tired of having a degree and waitressing. Let me tell you, though…Maine Lobster is the best.
New Hampshire was cute. I think it’s funny that they have boarding schools, one of which Elan stayed at for the conference, which she had fun at.
I really really like Vermont. Lots of touristy crap as well, but good stuff that they actually make businesses out of (Ben and Jerry’s, Vermont Teddy Bear, Grandview Winery, Cabot Cheese, Champlain Chocolates, Small Dog Electronics). And yes, I visited all those places in Vermont. Vermont gets lots of points in the "places I could possibly move to" category. So far, Colorado and Delaware are the only other two states, with California having possibilities.
MONTREAL rocked my socks. I really really liked it there. It falls into the possibilities category, because 1. I don’t know French 2. I really suck at the metric system 3. Different Country! 4. Humidity/snow factors. Everyone was so friendly, though. And everyone drives like me (crazyfast but careful and safely). The city is right up my alley. Elan and I went on a "Hot French Date." The waitstaff was awesome!!! Our food was delicious! Whoa. Funny when they told us our dessert was "strawberries and white cheese"…it was creamy yogurt, not white cheese, and it was really good.
Connecticut is not my favorite. It is way too crowded, way too pretentious, too humid (and foggy!), too unwelcoming. No offense to any from this state, it’s simply not up my alley.
Rhode Island seemed ok. Again, the crowding factor is definately going on.
Massachusetts was alright, Boston gave me some stress. Cambridge (where Harvard is) was soo crowded…but they have Pinocchio’s Restaurant, which has the best frickin’ Cheesesteak there is…despite how little I eat meat, it still was AWESOME!!!! But overall Massachusetts was fun.
I ate McDonald’s at one point when we were on the road and wanted to grab food and go…I haven’t had McDonald’s since I don’t know when. It made Elan and I both SICK!!! I think that may be the last time in my life I have it. Nothing else made me sick.
The entire trip was pretty awesome. Whoa. And to top it off, we "volunteered" our seats for our flight to some folks at the airport (because the airline overbooked our flight) and we took a later flight out of Philly, PA back to Colorado…FIRST CLASS since we volunteered our seats! So we got the big cooshy seats, the trays and such that fold out all over the place, free alcohol, free food, all the blankets and pillows we wanted, TWO WINDOWS for my window seat…I’ve never flown first class before that, and let me tell you, Elan and I were having a blast. We didn’t even notice it was a crowded flight We weren’t squished at all.
And…since we were volunteers…we have two air vouchers for free tickets (good for up to one year) to ANYWHERE in the US and Canada.
Heck Yeah.
I heart US Airways.
What a roadtrip. That rocked, I can’t wait to see my photos.
This weekend Elan and I are going camping up in the mountains with a bunch of girls and Joel (I really think he’s the only guy going!) So more adventures to be had, more awesome photo ops, more fun!
I’ve been busy. It’s been good times.
So yesterday started out happy happy happy, and then just got better and better…up until about 7:10 pm last night 
Well, I woke up in the morning yesterday, played with my foster kitties (and they are sooo cute, it makes my morning, really!), then did my morning thing, then went to work. Where I got a lot done, and called the garage to take my car in tomorrow for an oil change and tune-up stuff for all the summer travelling I hope to do. Got an email from Mimi who is back from her worldly travels! Came home to Elan playing video games, which overjoys me to no end. Elan doesn’t really like video games, so when she’s enjoying them, it makes my day…since I am obsessed with any sort of video game. We got Gamefly (free trial, it’s Netflix for videogames, but hotter), and got Katamari Damacy and Space Channel Five. Both really silly and fun games. I started laundry, started dinner, fired up the computer, took the foster kittens outside for a "photo shoot" (Nothing is cuter than playing with kittens outside in the beautiful sunshine in the grass! I had to capture it on film!), played with my own kitties…I was getting a lot done. Filed some crap in our spare room, found Elan’s old taxes so she could prove residency for tuition purposes. We ate dinner, and then we were both playing Space Channel Five. I was showing her the silliness. The phone rings. Elan answers, and brings the phone to me (while I make Ulala dance like a porn star), and says, "It’s your family."
Ever have one of those "ohmygodwhatthehellnow?" feelings before you even know stuff is going down?
My mom did small talk for a minute. Then she said, "I have news about your brother," in that tone that lets on that it’s not good news. I told her, "I knew something was probably wrong, you don’t just call me all that much." Which my mom protested about for a minute, but she knows it’s true Usually I’m the one to call just to chat it up.
*sigh*
He’s in jail. Again. In Buffalo, NY. Again. For transporting drugs. Again. From what we could get out of piecing together stories, they found the drugs in the car, my brother took the blame, so one other kid got off with nothing. However, there was a girl with them who is six months pregnant, who has been doing heroine the whole pregnancy, up to five bags a day. SHE had drugs on her, and she is in jail, too. In an emergency detox program. She might not be weaned from drugs before she gives birth, so that will be tough.
Unfortunately for me, dealing with family stuff like this isn’t really that bad.
It’s going to my friend’s funeral because she was drinking and driving at 18 that is hard. It’s being offered an eightball of coke by someone you know in a bar that’s hard. It’s hearing about your high school classmate dying from a drug-induced seizure that’s hard. It’s watching your best friend freak out while on speed that’s hard. It’s watching some girl shoot up heroin under her eyes that’s hard.
When I hear "brother is still in Kane," all that above and more flashes through my mind. When I hear "brother in jail," I think, ok, at least he’s not dead, and they’re watching so he will be safe.
No harm can come to him in jail. When he gets out…his friends have guns. He’s had a gun pulled on him. His friends are all on drugs. He tried to overdose.
He’s in jail. I can write to him. I can hope. I can let him know I want his existance on this planet.
My brother talked to a counsellor in the jail (he’s in detox too in the jail), and expressed severe depression, and admitted to trying to overdose on heroine a month ago to kill himself. Luckily, my brother isn’t super-bright. You _can_ overdose on drugs, but usually it’s _mixing_ drugs that kills, not simply overdose. Overdose usually makes you sick and groggy and does damage, but doesn’t necessarily kill you. I’m glad he didn’t mix. I’m sad he tried to kill himself. I remember my mom calling me because my brother was "whacked out so bad on drugs, he wasn’t coherent." We think that’s the day he overdosed.
My brother has been depressed for a long time. Even when he lived with me in Pittsburgh, he was depressed. I was just keeping him in Pittsburgh to keep him away from drugs. Well, away from more drugs and from getting into trouble. I could only do so much. That whole thing ended tragically. He lashed out at me, and I eventually kicked him out.
He has to want to get help on his own, and be serious about it.
Until then, I have a feeling I need to buy a lot of stamps. I feel like I will be writing him daily. That’s all I can do now, right? I wrote to him every two weeks before, he wrote to me at least once a month, and all of April and May he didn’t write back. I called him a few times, he never called me.
I realized a long time ago, people have to change themselves. If you care about them, all you can do is show you care. And that’s a lot to do in itself. So, I can write to him in jail. Every day (that should get the point across I care, he knows I write constantly!) I can keep in touch with my parents. I can come out for Christmas break and spend time with the family. When he gets out, I can keep sending him little presents and care packages. I can call him on the phone.
He wants to come visit me. He let me know that last time I talked to him. But he’s scared. He’s only ever travelled _with me_, not anyone else (except some trips with parents, or drug runs with friends). The 9-10 months he lived with me, we went to Baltimore, Chicago, small weekend trips…my parents are just starting to travel more. He doesn’t know much beyond his bubble of a world of drugs.
So I show him. Through pictures. Through letters. All I can do is write and show him I care. Sometimes that’s enough. And since that’s all I can do, I’ll do that.
My mom thinks she is going up to visit on Sunday. I told her to call me if she hears any other news. also to let Josh know I care about him, and I’m here for him. And that I’ll write, of course. His hearing is Monday. We’ll just see how it goes from there.
It makes me sad, and I hope this is the rock-bottom he has to hit in order to get better. I really hope. I have a feeling (sadly) that it’s not. That it won’t happen until he gets out of jail. Something will then happen to make him realize he has to make an effort to get better.
He’s my only sibling. I worry about him. We’ve had rough times, but I really want to still have my brother. I don’t want tragedy to happen to him.
I also feel sad that my mother’s bubble of "perfect world" has been burst. I mean, it drove me crazy that she always thought our hometown was great, nothing too horrid happened. Everything was ok. Meanwhile, the whole reason I moved away and dreaded visiting was because everything in that town is so _NOT_ ok, is so messed up. I mean, any town where you grow up thinking shoplifting is ok, Speed isn’t really a drug, and start smoking at the age of 12…something is wrong, terrribly wrong. I visited other places, and realized they have problems, but _NOT_ quite to the extent of what I was surrounded by. I wish I didn’t know as much about drugs that I do from personal eyewitness. I wish it was something I read about, or just heard stories about. Not watched as someone shot up. I remember Elan and I watching a movie where someone was shooting up heroine, and she was like, "Oh my God!"
I was just like, "Yeah, imagine seeing that in person and being offered it. It’s even better." Blah.
Why. I mean, it makes me wonder when people ask me, "Do you miss Kane?"
Oh. If you only knew how I dreaded every moment of my waking existance when I lived there, you would _NOT_ ask.
My boss is gone for the week. Gone until _next_ Tuesday, actually. I’m supposed to meet up with Elan for drinks at the Rio after work. Then to the knitting group for a hot second (to show off my *finally* finished legwarmers, time to start on my mom’s scarf so she can have it by winter!), then home to my four foster kittens (3 weeks old and cute as all get-out) to play, then watch a movie with Elan and just relax! During the day today I plan to get a lot of stuff done, work and non-work related. I need to find out about signing up for an online class for the summer, also where all of us are camping when we go to Telluride for the Bluegrass Festival. So a couple calls there.
Maybe I’ll do some more writing, but I’m unfortunate in the sense that all I’m good at writing is erotica…not like that’s a bad thing, really, but the book(s) I’ve done research for and have notes for don’t involve anything of the sort. Ah well. At least Lisa is going to co-write one of my books with me! Also, I have a few beta-test readers that will proof my work for me (FOR FREE!!! YAY!), so that’s cool, too. One girl rips apart my work and punctuation _every_ time, which is good. I hate when things are published with errors galore.
Joel drove up to hang out on Sunday, Amy is up in Yellowstone right now. Amy is feeling not social lately because of stresses. Hopefully she’ll feel more social when JT and Sally come into town to visit this weekend.
Phew. Good thing it’s an easy week for me.
Ah work,
It makes me excited for the day to end, to go home and hang out, watch movies, play video games, and sit around. Or to go home for a second, and then go out somewhere fun. I’m going to my "knitting group" tonight, although there usually is not much knitting going on. A lot of being silly, joking around, thinking really deep thoughts (So, you clean to the Milkshake song by Kelis?), and fun and coffee. Yeah, it’s at a coffee shop near my house. Word.
So, I’ve been feeling creative lately, and I’m going to take my shot at writing a few short stories, and if that pans out fine and dandy and I get a lot of good good feedback, I will write more. And submit them somewhere. If that works out great, I will write a book, and we’ll see where the world leads me from there. However, soon I am going back to school (FALL!) and all my ambitions will have to be put into studying.
So the countdown begins. Five months to do whatever creative fancies strike me. Writing, drawing, stained glass, fun and adventures, travelling, parties, drinking and comparing Spanish and Japanese languages (the same word for cow in Spanish is the word for idiot in Japanese!). Whatever.
I must say, in the time I’ve taken off from school, I’ve become a lot more fluent in Spanish. Chile, I’m on my way, and I’ll stop in Peru along the way.
Teh hot. One day I will rock so much, I won’t worry about the financial investment field I am currently in.
That’s all for now.
